She Said (1/2)

Because we never really talk. No i mean, we talk, but it was a sad range from minor insults to pathetic conversations about things that doesn't even exists. We exchange abnormal ideas and stayed way outside of the man-known realm of communication. The conversations we had was surface deep pokes to each others' humorous sides, and never more. It wasn't a surprise that our relationship never took off.

I, for one, was to blame for my incapability to express my emotions other than those that requires a huge smile and a train of laughter from the opponent. On the other hand, in my exasperation to say things i wish i had, he never really see what i see. He thought we looked great together, i played piano and he was an alto saxophonist, i make the stupidest faces and he tell the funniest jokes, he's a great cook and i love to eat, i can clean and he appreciate order. But looking great together means nothing in comparison to what i want from him. I want security, i want man that could lead me and a man that shows me how he lives and gain my respect from it. I want someone who is not afraid to feel, someone who's smart enough to feel. Isn't there something more in him than just that stupid grin i like so much? Sometimes i just want to give up on this kid.

We danced a waltz together once, in his parent's silver wedding anniversary. I thought nothing felt better than his hands holding mine and my head on his shoulders. Physically he was tall and strong, but i don't think he was that way inside. Maybe i should just wait a year. Maybe.