please come online

dear mom,

Death is a weird thing. I don't get it, i don't understand why it still confusing when i know god got it covered. that oma is with tuhan. Mam, jujur kahanna beneran kaya kesamber geledek waktu mami bilang oma udah ngak ada. Sekarang kahanna mencoba buat visualisasi-kan jalan jakarta kosong, opa makan breakfast sendirian, dan dari jarak sekian kilometer dari kalian, semuanya bisa dipercaya.

I don't know much about oma, but her presence was always there. Things i remembered most are letters, and time i spent praying for her health, or times when i finally learned something more about her. Like when she had her birthday in that dutch restaurant, and oma dee started telling stories about how they started their lives in Jakarta. That was the most interesting thing i heard about oma until now.

On my birthday, I remember, She was in the hospital, and I had baked this cake (or was it jello), brought maybe pizza and salad or something. We brought everything into her room, and had a little party there. Matrix was on TV. I got all nice and dressed, but at the end of the night, while carrying the dirty boxes of food, i realized that I was still wearing my swallow flip-flops. It was the biggest laugh i had in the hospital.

I remember the day before leaving for seattle, i had to say goodbye to oma. She was no longer sitting on the high chair, she was just laying there in the bed. The grandkids were crowding around her, it was hard to understand things that she was saying. It was hard to understand then, and more so on the last time we talk. It was her 50th wedding anniversary, i think, or is it more than that? I talked with opa, laughed a lot, then with oma... i don't get whatever she was saying but i compensate with just telling a lot of things about seattle. It was in the summer, and I was out with my friends. We were waiting for the bus to come to the Northgate transit center. The anniversary, coincided with Theo's or was it Daniel's birthday?

Mom, i really want to go back to indo. Just, to talk with you guys. I want to be hugged and told that it's ok. I want to see opa, and I want to talk to him. I want to make sure that he's ok. Then maybe i'll be at peace, and then I'll be ok. We haven't skyped for a long time. Not since oma's 100th day. I think I might cry when i see you guys' faces. I miss you guys, and I want to be there to make sure that everyone is ok, that everyone is moving on. I want to talk with dad about oma, i want to sleep in with you guys, for a night. Besides, i haven't tried the new bed yet.

Seattle is terribly mellow. God's been nice to me. He's been letting the sun up to keep me slightly happier. It worked. But, i guess i just watched 2 sad movies about death tonight, and I was sort of pulled into the mood too.

7 months. gosh. When did you get over Opung's death, Mom? I can't imagine losing papi, when losing oma is already this hard. So I let my tears rolled, once a month? It is definitely getting more frequent these days. Maybe school was tolling on me too.

But anyway, what i wanted to say is, please come online, i want to say happy thanksgiving.


Love,

your daughter