Showing posts with label Love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Love. Show all posts

Thursday, October 12, 2017

Sepasang Mata Yang Ku Curi (1 & 2)

Pic by James Sutton


Aku jatuh cinta dengan engkau yang pandai melihat karena mata kau ada empat.

Hari itu kau lihat penjahat yang mangkir. Lihat dia berubah jadi penjilat yang mahir. Lalu opini kau yang berjilid-jilid seperti ensiklopedia mulai kau bacakan. Di sela-selanya terselip omong kosong waktu-waktu ku bisa bernapas. Lalu seperti jemu kalau tak sibuk, mata kau yang ada dua pasang itu mulai melirik ke utara, ke selatan, lalu ke timur dan ke barat. Kau lihat apa lagi, kau cerita apa lagi.

Semakin panjang saja volume buku-buku opinimu. Lagi-lagi ku buatkan kau lemari untuk menaruh bongkahan kertas-kertas itu. Beberapa ku ambil dan ku tumpuk jadi meja. Lalu tahun berikutnya, ku kumpulkan dan ku jadikan tangga. Kini kamar kau dan aku ada di ujungnya seperti kastil di atas bukit. Kau bisa melihat semakin jauh, semakin luas... Dan aku janji ganti tembok dengan buku-buku kau.

Satu malam, saat langit berawan dan bulan tertutup sinarnya, diantara esai bola dan naskah politik kau, aku curi sepasang mata kau. Ku sembunyikan dibalik tumpukan sajak Aan Mansyur. Biar bapak itu yang menjaganya. Mata kau yang kini tinggal dua menatap ke depan ke arahku. Kau bilang kau tak bisa melihat. Lalu ku kecup pelupuk matamu, kiri dan kanan. Mereka tertutup dan terus tertutup saat ku mengecup alismu yang berkerut. Saat bibirmu bergerak, dan satu cerita mulai tertulis, ku kecup bibir kau. Aku tak ingin buku tentangku. Ku kecup bibirmu sampai jemari kau bergetar. Sampai mata kau terbuka dan tajam tatapan kau pada ku.

Diatas buku-buku terbuka dan selimut kata-kata kau akhirnya berhenti membaca. Mulai merasa sampai a-b-c berserakan di lantai, lebih dalam sampai kertas bercoret menjadi bersih, sampai lebur huruf-huruf jadi tanda seru. Aku tak ingin titik dan kau berikan koma. Lalu kita berasteriks sampai tanda pagar melompat-lompat, kurung terbuka dan menutup, dan a pun berkeong. Jilid demi jilid kau janji ganti buku dengan tempat tidur.



***


Lalu apa jadinya dengan mata kau yang sepasang itu. Yang disimpan oleh tangan penuh garis milik penulis puisi tua. Mata itu bergerak, melihat ke utara, ke selatan, lalu ke timur dan ke barat. Lalu ia berhenti, ia berhenti menatap kita. Berdua di atas kasur kapuk yang sederhana, terlindung diantara tumpukan bata dan semen, yang tergoda oleh hangat tubuh kekasihnya.

Mungkin kakek itu akan meminjam mata kau. Dan ia akan menulis sajak-sajak biadab tentang kita, tentang sepasang binatang kepanasan di tengah musim kawin. Puisi itu akan dibacakan di pernikahan kita di mana para undangan akan serempak tersedak duri ikan mas. Ibuku akan pingsan dan Ayah kau akan menggeplak kepala kau. Kakek itu akan tertawa, sampai copot dua bola mata pinjamannya.

Secepat kilat kau dan aku akan berlari keluar. Tertawa kita masuk burung biru yang menerbangkan kita ke kastil kecil diujung bukit bertangga buku, tempat aku mencuri mata kau. Ku kembalikan, pertemukan lagi kedua pasang mata jadi empat. Mereka akan melihat ke utara, ke selatan, lalu ke timur dan ke barat. Bibir kau akan bercerita dan aku takkan mengecupnya. Kembali buku-buku tebal akan bertumpukan. Jilid demi jilid. Jadi lantai, jadi tembok, jadi pigura foto pernikahan kita. Tapi nanti malam, saat langit berawan dan bulan tertutup sinarnya, kau gadaikan buku-buku itu dan ganti jadi tempat tidur.

Wednesday, May 6, 2015

Si Buta yang Sok Tahu

Definisi sok itu aku
Pura-pura menjadi
Melupa padahal merindu
Jika ini tentang kita
Kamu sok buta
Menerawang walau jelas

Lihat!
Bahkan karang pun menipis
tertampar dera ombak
Bukan sok lemah,
Tapi semua orang tau
hati metafora lebih mudah
teracuni dari hati biologis

Perhatikan!
Sakit patah tulang pun
Tak bisa menyamai sakit darimu
Bukan sok kuat,
Terpikir relakan satu rusuk
Trak! Gadai sakit
Demi sesosok kesempurnaan

Tapi puisi ini pendek
Sependek penggaris 5 senti
Bukan sok kalkulatif,
Di kali tambah kurang bagi pun
Angka kita tak sama
Kenapa kita paksa naik kelas
Toh buta pun nyaman

The intended vibe to read this to:
https://soundcloud.com/trapmusic/urban-cone-come-back-to-me-ft

Friday, December 26, 2014

To Relish Us



Update me
On you
On how it is living
without me

Write it nameless
I'll imagine that
it's about me
us

Then I can sleep
dreaming that you 
too 
dream of us

Sunday, July 27, 2014

Why I Return

He was sitting in the corner by the window, sipping a small cup of Cappuccino. A solemness washes over his eyes. It made the scene looked like a ceremony, an act of worship or something. His quietness fills the space around him, thickening the air, slowing time and condensing space.

The girl in the table across him has been eyeing him. She did not smile, nor giggle like the typical girl would. She looked at him with a genuine curiosity, her mind searched for imaginary reasons to why a man like that would stare so longingly to a line of trees in the distance.

Like a sudden jolt of electricity, a waiter tripped on a piece of napkin I dropped and spilled a half drank latte all over the girl's table. Her small note book is now drenched in the caffeinated liquid. In shock she stood up, and shot a bewildered look that does not match her sweet floral dress. The waiter's quick apology sent her slowly, but forgivingly back to her seat.

I did not want to ruin her book, believe me, it was not my intention. I just wanted to see if the guy break his melancholic gaze and trade it in for a more beautiful view. A view that would, maybe, lighten his heart just a touch. I mean, come on, who wouldn't be drawn in by her brown curls, the way they bounced softly as she tried to clean up the mess on her table. The way her lips curved into a weak smile as she told the waiter not to worry. The way her fingers traced back into her note book, just to check if there's not a letter washed away.

He was not distracted when the waiter lost his balance, nor did he gain an interest at the scene I arranged. However, he did take a quick glance at the girl who is now writing on a damp, coffee soaked book. His gaze was different, though. The icy, solemn gaze, melted into a shy observation. He stole another look or two, then a smile broke through the quietness of his morning. It was his first smile in weeks.

I thought he saw me. For a second prior to that smile, I thought our eyes had met. But, who am I kidding, I know he couldn't possibly see me. He has been trying to,  to no avail, every single day. That's why he sat on that table today, trying to remember the last conversation we shared before life decided to part ways from my body.

Then, from the heaviness of his heart, he rose from his seat and made his way towards the Girl. But before he reached her table, he knelt and took the napkin that began this whole situation. I swear I heard him muttered something lightly, but I couldn't make out the words. When he reached the Girl's table, he paused for what seemed like an intense 3 second for the Girl. She looked up slowly as he said, "You reminded me of someone who used to share a cup of coffee with me.." he cut the sentence with a chuckle, "but your hair is much nicer." With an air of triumph, he walked away as he threw the napkin right through my face, down to my palms and down to the floor where I stood.

At that moment, I know he is going to be fine without me.



---

Writer's note: I wrote this while listening to Warm Water by Banks.
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Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Sax and Scat



"Kalau begini caranya, kapan saya bisa melupakan kamu?" dia berbisik, menyampaikan pesan ke angin dibalik jendela basah mobilnya.

Setiap kali langit jakarta bergemuruh membawa rintikan hujan, Reza hanya bisa mendengus kesal, menjatuhkan bahunya satu centi lebih dekat dengan tanah. Kelipan lampu-lampu jalanan yang tercermin di aspal basah membawanya ke masa itu.

Dulu, hujan dimalam hari adalah waktu-waktu ternyaman baginya. Dengan tenang, lelaki ini akan menyalakan CD jazz favoritnya, sambil menyenandungkan not-not miring buatannya sendiri. Seakan ia pemain saxaphone handal. Wanita cantik disampingnya akan ikut bernyanyi, "babe, it's scat" gumamnya yakin. Cuaca seperti ini membuat mereka terlihat seperti pasangan yang paling harmonis. Saling beradu melodi, saut menyaut irama.

"Keterlaluan kamu, Rez.." keluh wanita itu suatu malam. "Aku sudah menunggumu selama 3 tahun, ternyata mimpi naifmu masih saja kau kejar." Di bawah rona senja, Reza baru saja mengutarakan pikirannya yang selama ini ia pendam. Ia tahu, sudah lama ia menjanjikan pernikahan. Ia berjanji, setidaknya pada dirinya sendiri, bahwa di malam pertama ia mendapatkan tawaran bermain saxaphone di cafe manapun, ia akan melamar Dilla. Tapi, setelah 3 tahun tanpa pembahasan tentang pernikahan, Dilla lelah menunggu.

"Kau urus saja hatimu, Rez. Aku akan mengurus hatiku sendiri." Itu kata-kata terakhirnya. Tanpa pesan sampai jumpa, tanpa tengokan kebelakang. Ia berjalan keluar dari restoran, rambutnya yang panjang berkibas ke kiri dan kekanan. Reza yakin, Dilla tidak menangis malam itu. Mereka dua orang dewasa, telah mengenal pahitnya patah hati. Keputusan ini pun bisa diprediksikan sejak awal hubungan mereka. Siapa yang harus terkejut?

Nyatanya, 3 tahun kemudian, di tengah malam gerimis kota jakarta. Reza terkejut. Ini malam pertamanya bermain saxaphone di sebuah cafe kecil. Seharusnya ia menikmati kesempatan ini. Seharusnya ia bermain saxaphone dengan segenap kuatnya. Seharusnya ia meniupkan melodi-melodi miring yang selama ini hanya dimainkan untuk satu pasang telinga. Seharusnya ia tidak berhenti bermain saat bayangan Dilla muncul lagi di pikirannya.

Mungkin dia lah yang seharusnya Reza perjuangkan. Bukan musiknya, bukan impiannya. Namun kebahagiaan Dilla, hidup bersama Dilla. Ah, kini semuanya tinggal penyesalan. Reza menyalakan mesin mobilnya, dan bersiap keluar dari parkiran.

Tuk tuk tuk.. Ketukan halus terdengar dari jendelanya. "Kamu lupa mengambil bayaranmu.." suara lembut itu teredam lagu rock di radio. Reza menurunkan kaca jendelanya dan meminta wanita itu untuk mengulang kata-katanya. Namun, jari-jari lentik itu hanya menyodorkan sebuah amplop putih kearahnya. Cincin pernikahan di jari manisnya.

"Oh, minggu depan saja.. saya tidak bermain bagus malam ini," kata Reza lugas. Namun wanita itu telah berbalik arah, masuk kembali ke cafenya. Amplop itu tergeletak tenang di pangkuan Reza. Diatasnya tertulis, '3 Tahun' dengan guratan pena yang cukup familiar.

Reza menengok kebelakang. Wanita itu berjalan tegap menuju cafenya, rambut panjangnya berkibas ke kiri dan kekanan. Tangan berhiaskan cicin pernikahan itu mematikan lampu 'open' lalu mengunci pintu dimasuk dibelakangnya.

Mereka pikir, sebuah hubungan bisa berakhir dengan kata-kata, dengan persetujuan dua belah pihak. Tapi siapa yang harus terkejut, saat hati mengingat kembali rasa yang lama ia rindukan?

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

For Jamie: If I Was Brave Enough

In the library, listening to my head spelling out the things i want to say to you. Things that i could never put in my mouth. Things that maybe you may never hear, unless i decided to hell with the strained peace between us, and just scream it in your face.

I would scream because words cannot contain the amount of pain it cost me to pull this out of my heart. I would scream because you will not understand the amount of energy it took me to carry the message for the whole three years now. I would scream because the man inside of me had decided to show its true color.

That he is afraid. That he is ashamed. But to appear just a little braver than the coward he really is, he chose to yell it off. For fear of the quiver in his voice, the tears that would come out, the vulnerability that would show and the look that you would have in your eyes.

Then all the same, i would cry, i would cry today in your arms. Because for three years i've been the strong man for you. Leaving my wounds in the corner to rot, hugging you tight as i whisper our prayer to sleep. For this one day, the third year of our son's death, i would show you that a chunk of my heart was ripped out too, and that there was no man so strong he could be your anchor.


-- Read this for happy ending, or leave a comment now --


In the end, she hugged me and said in the calmest tone i have every hear you speak, "Our strength does not come from horses or chariots, but from God alone. You are not my anchor, but you are certainly the main sail of my ship. I love you. So much."

Monday, January 17, 2011

Still Waiting

She always saw him labor upon little leddings and trackings. No, not on the computer, but the tangible, cold hard metal that you put between metal stamps of letters. It's an old man's game, what he is doing. The art of type setting was big in the 1960s when printing was an extremely time consuming, labor intensive, intricate hand work. Nowadays, you've got design softwares to get you going fast and easy with that. He told her those digital crap just made designers sloppy. Type setting is not just an art form. No, it's a workmanship.

"I'm just old school," his eyes smiled through his glasses, but not toward her. "At least, i'm on my last paragraph and as soon as i get this done.. you know, printed and all cleaned, we can head out."

She replied with a sigh, "Fine, three hours." He got the car, and the weather had not been so kind to let her take the bus home. It's not like there's much choice for her, is there?

The clock ticked away. With every passing hours it's telling her that each hours she spent in silence with her type-setter boyfriend is a waste of time. It's a waste of her four years of high school to college life. She could have been in more exciting relationships with hotter guys she met in all those parties she attended without Rob. Tick tock tick tock. She could have had her saturday nights freed up to talk with people who are not 'type-setting-zoned' monsters. Tick tock tick tock. She could be just as single as she is now, yet feel so much better. Tick tock tick tock. How could someone loves tiny pieces of type, none bigger than my pinky's nail, more than a breathing, talking human being? Tick tock tick tock. He's not even talking to her all these while. She bet he would not even move if she stormed out. Tick tock tick tock.

Jane took the bus for two hours to go back home. If she was on the car with Rob, she'll be home dry and warm in thirty minutes. However, waiting for another minute on a guy who would not even look up from his 'labor of love' to say good bye to the girl he said he 'loved', is plain pathetic. She didn't care if he had the sweetest smile, or if his hands were always the warmest thing she could think of, or the fact that he could do the darnest acts of love. She was not going anywhere near him, she would not pick up his phone calls or listen to the messages he would leave at her voicemail, she wouldn't even look straight into his eyes to tell him what he did wrong. She had it.

-- a week had past now since the day she walked out of the type-setting studio. she had zero phone calls, zero messages, zero spotting of the man she once claimed hers. utter failure. life sucks, and she knows it by the handful.

Monday, January 10, 2011

He Said (2/2)

Today is going to be my last day with the girl i've spent too much time with it's almost a sin to my future wife. She's moving away, not to another city, not to another country of the same continent, she's not even moving way up north she had to learn how to ride with the snow dogs, she's moving to Africa. The remotest village in Africa. No internet. No cell phone signal. Heck, there's not even enough water to bathe there. She had always been the pure hearted, sincere, good samaritan girl. She's not the prettiest girl i've met, nor is she the most charming, or the most cunning, she's just..her. Nothing so romantically written in one of your Austen books, or depicted in your korean dramas. She would have just blended with the rest of the world. Her face will not stand out among the hundreds and thousands faces of your facebook friends. But this girl had filled the niche in my heart for too long, it's idiotic not to grasp it.

I was too comfortable and too prideful to change anything between us. The friendship that we built must now come to a suspenseful halt until we saw each other again in one year time. It was the boy within me that kept me from seeing how important she was to the man part of me. It was the boy within me that playfully wrestled with her in front of public just to show the rest of the world that she is mine. My best friend. Now the man part of me suffers because he knows that she is not really mine. She belongs to the poor, thirsty kids of Sub-Saharan Africa.

"You're my best friend" was a lame excuse to run from a commitment that i knew i had to make one way or another. Now the man part of me hates the comfort we felt before. The knowing glances we passed was more than just grateful gaze to a friend, there was something more in that. I know we were never the serious type, but i'm not that daft not to feel the change in the air when we played the last round of staring-contest over sushi and hot matcha. At that moment, she was not my play-friend, or was she the gullible friend that i know. There was a piddling gentleness in her eyes that almost mocked me. She twitched her half smile, and moved closer till we were eye to eye. She stared down the boy inside of me and shunned him back to the dusty photo frame he belonged to. She won the game, knocked down my pride and got me very confused over feelings i've never even felt before.

Is this feeling the blank verb i have to put between the word 'i' and 'you'?

She Said (1/2)

Because we never really talk. No i mean, we talk, but it was a sad range from minor insults to pathetic conversations about things that doesn't even exists. We exchange abnormal ideas and stayed way outside of the man-known realm of communication. The conversations we had was surface deep pokes to each others' humorous sides, and never more. It wasn't a surprise that our relationship never took off.

I, for one, was to blame for my incapability to express my emotions other than those that requires a huge smile and a train of laughter from the opponent. On the other hand, in my exasperation to say things i wish i had, he never really see what i see. He thought we looked great together, i played piano and he was an alto saxophonist, i make the stupidest faces and he tell the funniest jokes, he's a great cook and i love to eat, i can clean and he appreciate order. But looking great together means nothing in comparison to what i want from him. I want security, i want man that could lead me and a man that shows me how he lives and gain my respect from it. I want someone who is not afraid to feel, someone who's smart enough to feel. Isn't there something more in him than just that stupid grin i like so much? Sometimes i just want to give up on this kid.

We danced a waltz together once, in his parent's silver wedding anniversary. I thought nothing felt better than his hands holding mine and my head on his shoulders. Physically he was tall and strong, but i don't think he was that way inside. Maybe i should just wait a year. Maybe.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

WE TALKED




"I tried not to think about it," i told him, "You know, about the scandal..."
"Of which you are not, in anyway, involved?" his raspy voice replied over the phone.
"Well, maybe more like a friend of the suspect. That makes me... a... um, witness?" i made do. I heard nothing but his breath. I know he was just lounging around on his sofa bed, listening to my rambles as he watch the night grew steadily cooler.

"Just watching a rudimentary problem grew into a messy tangled complication was.. funny, i guess.. in a thick-black oil-spill way," i continued while sipping on my morning coffee.
" Ha! A contrary to the former adjective!" the wise-ass hath spoken. "Doing nothing does no one good, don't you know that?"
" That was me being subtly sardonic, thank you very much," i playfully smiled at my reflection on the coffee maker. I imagined him rubbing his hair in irritation and changing his sitting position to a more comfortable one.
"So you were saying?"
" Im half-way around the world from it. Nothing can be so bad when you're this detached. Physically and emotionally" It's gonna be a long night talk - at least for him.

"Being of great distance from you doesn't make a scandal all the less menacing."
That's true, i thought, i gotta give that to him. But it's not like this scandal is any of my concern. Having a friend playing a part of a movie doesn't grant me a spot in the plot. "Distance isn't a factor that could change the way you perceive, the way you feel, the way you be," suddenly he got philosophical.

"Agree, distance can't unhook what's been hitched." I was referring to something else.
"Hmm..." that's all he said. The little rustle behind him got me curious.
"What was that?"
"I'm hugging this girl-imagined-pillow," i can hear his smile as i tried -unsuccessfully- to sip my coffee after pleasantly startled. A familiar warmth fills my chest, "You're enjoying this aren't you?" he asked, we laughed. That warmth wasn't from the caffeine.

"Hey, have you heard, there's this doll in the shape of two, long micky mouse hands that you can wrap around your body and think of me as it hugs you.. i think i should give that to you on our next chat date,"