Why I Return

He was sitting in the corner by the window, sipping a small cup of Cappuccino. A solemness washes over his eyes. It made the scene looked like a ceremony, an act of worship or something. His quietness fills the space around him, thickening the air, slowing time and condensing space.

The girl in the table across him has been eyeing him. She did not smile, nor giggle like the typical girl would. She looked at him with a genuine curiosity, her mind searched for imaginary reasons to why a man like that would stare so longingly to a line of trees in the distance.

Like a sudden jolt of electricity, a waiter tripped on a piece of napkin I dropped and spilled a half drank latte all over the girl's table. Her small note book is now drenched in the caffeinated liquid. In shock she stood up, and shot a bewildered look that does not match her sweet floral dress. The waiter's quick apology sent her slowly, but forgivingly back to her seat.

I did not want to ruin her book, believe me, it was not my intention. I just wanted to see if the guy break his melancholic gaze and trade it in for a more beautiful view. A view that would, maybe, lighten his heart just a touch. I mean, come on, who wouldn't be drawn in by her brown curls, the way they bounced softly as she tried to clean up the mess on her table. The way her lips curved into a weak smile as she told the waiter not to worry. The way her fingers traced back into her note book, just to check if there's not a letter washed away.

He was not distracted when the waiter lost his balance, nor did he gain an interest at the scene I arranged. However, he did take a quick glance at the girl who is now writing on a damp, coffee soaked book. His gaze was different, though. The icy, solemn gaze, melted into a shy observation. He stole another look or two, then a smile broke through the quietness of his morning. It was his first smile in weeks.

I thought he saw me. For a second prior to that smile, I thought our eyes had met. But, who am I kidding, I know he couldn't possibly see me. He has been trying to,  to no avail, every single day. That's why he sat on that table today, trying to remember the last conversation we shared before life decided to part ways from my body.

Then, from the heaviness of his heart, he rose from his seat and made his way towards the Girl. But before he reached her table, he knelt and took the napkin that began this whole situation. I swear I heard him muttered something lightly, but I couldn't make out the words. When he reached the Girl's table, he paused for what seemed like an intense 3 second for the Girl. She looked up slowly as he said, "You reminded me of someone who used to share a cup of coffee with me.." he cut the sentence with a chuckle, "but your hair is much nicer." With an air of triumph, he walked away as he threw the napkin right through my face, down to my palms and down to the floor where I stood.

At that moment, I know he is going to be fine without me.



---

Writer's note: I wrote this while listening to Warm Water by Banks.
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Sax and Scat

"Kalau begini caranya, kapan saya bisa melupakan kamu?" dia berbisik, menyampaikan pesan ke angin dibalik jendela basah mobilnya.

Setiap kali langit jakarta bergemuruh membawa rintikan hujan, Reza hanya bisa mendengus kesal, menjatuhkan bahunya satu centi lebih dekat dengan tanah. Kelipan lampu-lampu jalanan yang tercermin di aspal basah membawanya ke masa itu.

Dulu, hujan dimalam hari adalah waktu-waktu ternyaman baginya. Dengan tenang, lelaki ini akan menyalakan CD jazz favoritnya, sambil menyenandungkan not-not miring buatannya sendiri. Seakan ia pemain saxaphone handal. Wanita cantik disampingnya akan ikut bernyanyi, "babe, it's scat" gumamnya yakin. Cuaca seperti ini membuat mereka terlihat seperti pasangan yang paling harmonis. Saling beradu melodi, saut menyaut irama.

"Keterlaluan kamu, Rez.." keluh wanita itu suatu malam. "Aku sudah menunggumu selama 3 tahun, ternyata mimpi naifmu masih saja kau kejar." Di bawah rona senja, Reza baru saja mengutarakan pikirannya yang selama ini ia pendam. Ia tahu, sudah lama ia menjanjikan pernikahan. Ia berjanji, setidaknya pada dirinya sendiri, bahwa di malam pertama ia mendapatkan tawaran bermain saxaphone di cafe manapun, ia akan melamar Dilla. Tapi, setelah 3 tahun tanpa pembahasan tentang pernikahan, Dilla lelah menunggu.

"Kau urus saja hatimu, Rez. Aku akan mengurus hatiku sendiri." Itu kata-kata terakhirnya. Tanpa pesan sampai jumpa, tanpa tengokan kebelakang. Ia berjalan keluar dari restoran, rambutnya yang panjang berkibas ke kiri dan kekanan. Reza yakin, Dilla tidak menangis malam itu. Mereka dua orang dewasa, telah mengenal pahitnya patah hati. Keputusan ini pun bisa diprediksikan sejak awal hubungan mereka. Siapa yang harus terkejut?

Nyatanya, 3 tahun kemudian, di tengah malam gerimis kota jakarta. Reza terkejut. Ini malam pertamanya bermain saxaphone di sebuah cafe kecil. Seharusnya ia menikmati kesempatan ini. Seharusnya ia bermain saxaphone dengan segenap kuatnya. Seharusnya ia meniupkan melodi-melodi miring yang selama ini hanya dimainkan untuk satu pasang telinga. Seharusnya ia tidak berhenti bermain saat bayangan Dilla muncul lagi di pikirannya.

Mungkin dia lah yang seharusnya Reza perjuangkan. Bukan musiknya, bukan impiannya. Namun kebahagiaan Dilla, hidup bersama Dilla. Ah, kini semuanya tinggal penyesalan. Reza menyalakan mesin mobilnya, dan bersiap keluar dari parkiran.

Tuk tuk tuk.. Ketukan halus terdengar dari jendelanya. "Kamu lupa mengambil bayaranmu.." suara lembut itu teredam lagu rock di radio. Reza menurunkan kaca jendelanya dan meminta wanita itu untuk mengulang kata-katanya. Namun, jari-jari lentik itu hanya menyodorkan sebuah amplop putih kearahnya. Cincin pernikahan di jari manisnya.

"Oh, minggu depan saja.. saya tidak bermain bagus malam ini," kata Reza lugas. Namun wanita itu telah berbalik arah, masuk kembali ke cafenya. Amplop itu tergeletak tenang di pangkuan Reza. Diatasnya tertulis, '3 Tahun' dengan guratan pena yang cukup familiar.

Reza menengok kebelakang. Wanita itu berjalan tegap menuju cafenya, rambut panjangnya berkibas ke kiri dan kekanan. Tangan berhiaskan cicin pernikahan itu mematikan lampu 'open' lalu mengunci pintu dimasuk dibelakangnya.

Mereka pikir, sebuah hubungan bisa berakhir dengan kata-kata, dengan persetujuan dua belah pihak. Tapi siapa yang harus terkejut, saat hati mengingat kembali rasa yang lama ia rindukan?

I Missed You

It has been 2 years, 9 months, and 14 days since i last saw your face. In the land where the sun will always come on cue, 6 am and 6 pm never fails.

Presumably the damp air of my rain city had took over, and toned me down, you say. "Your hair isn't doing that lion mane look," you spoke to the camera, half way across the world. I shushed you and confessed that you did not look like a 16 year old anymore. Confidently you touched your short beard and wag them furiously at me. You sniggered and i yawned. "It's twelve already, you should go to bed, Princess."

You always called me Princess for no apparent reason. Sometimes it's that, some other times, you called me Pine Tree. The reason behind the second is similar to the former. I was never the tallest kid in class, so i couldn't blame others' growth sprout in high school to blame for my height, and i did not smell like pine trees or the fresh mountain air, so the name wouldn't suit me anyway. I asked you once before, why you gave me that nick name. But you just smiled like the secret wouldn't be fun when shared to the subject of the secret. "well, duh" you would reply, rolling your eyes with the look i think would be the most disdainful - coming from an already weird-out face.

"You're not going to your next class, mister?" i asked. You were sitting down on the floor of your campus, looking like a beggar. "We still got 15 minutes," you said as if i was going to attend the same class. "Hey, where's all the cute girls in campus? I haven't seen any of them."

I remember growing up, you were always pretending to be the big guy, the man. One day, in a school tour, we played house and you made the cutest chipmunk voice that i would never forget. It was flattering to me that you did that to keep the playtime going.

"Dude, out of all the questions you could ask me.." you turned your laptop towards a hall, all i could see was silhouettes passing. Then a girl came closer towards where you were sitting, sat beside you, and you rolled back the laptop so i could see the two. "Hi, kak," the girl bowed her head a little bit, she made it sounds like she knew who i was. Dang, i'm in my pjs and my hair is all over the place. Is this how i'm going to meet your girlfriend? She's looking all cute and well dressed, and i'm drowsy and snotty from the cold. I put on a quick grin and tuned into the nicest future sister-in-law she could ever met.